Navigating Crises with Your Child or Love One: Essential Tips for Parents, Family Members, and Caregivers
“The Chinese use two brush strokes to write the word, ‘crisis’. One brush stroke stands for danger; the other for opportunity.” John F. Kennedy
A crisis is a critical situation that often involves a significant threat or challenge that also can be life threatening, and requires immediate attention and response. When you love someone with physical or mental health challenges, has substance abuse issues, or is neurodivergent, unfortunately you might confront many crises due to your loved one’s mental or physical health decline, or complications due to their diagnosis. For a parent or family member, this can be beyond scary to say the very least. Let’s face it, although we might like to think we are in control in life, there is very little we are in control of but our own effort, attitude and how we respond to things. Once our children or loved ones become young adults, there is very little of which we are in control, and this can be frightening especially if your loved one or child has physical or mental health challenges, or addiction issues.
I would not wish for anyone to experience a crisis, but if your child, family member or loved one is confronted with one, we must approach the crisis in a way so that we (the parent, family member, or caretaker) can survive day in and day out as best we can. Remember that in a crisis it’s one minute, one hour, one day at a time.
Having been through many significant and life threatening crises with my kids, if you should experience one with your child or loved one, I can offer some essential tips for parents, family members, and caregivers.
1. Stay calm and focused. At the onset of a crisis, and throughout the crisis, it is imperative to stay calm and focused for your own survival and for those around you as well. The crisis might be long term, so keeping your cool is key. This is a lot easier said than done, but very crucial. You will be overwhelmed, so stop and take deep breathes to reduce stress. STAY PRESENT and do not future trip!!!! It’s so easy to focus on the worst case scenario, and very natural to do, but be sure to get your brain out of that space because it’s not helping you or your loved one. Worrying about the worst case scenario will not help you problem solve as to how to navigate forward given the circumstances. Prioritize tasks that need to be done to help you and your loved one in the crisis, and get to them one at a time. Use positive self talk and remind yourself that you can do hard things.
2. Pace yourself and establish a routine. A crisis might be short lived or long term. You might be able to stop everything for a bit to address the crisis, but if the issues are prolonged (child missing, addiction problems, medical or mental health complications), you must be able to engage in regular life as much as possible while navigating a crisis simultaneously. Unfortunately this is the sad truth. Even though your child or loved one might be in a crisis, life still goes on, work responsibilities need to be completed, families need to be fed, errands need to be run, and we need to shut life off at the end of the day and rest. Your world might be falling apart, but life is still going on around you. Also, establishing a consistent routine during the day is very helpful. This can help feel a sense of normalcy, which is key during a crisis.
3. Get a good night’s sleep!!! This is SOOOO important. Without a decent night’s sleep, we are toast the next day. So, even though you might be beyond worried, or massively scared for your loved one, you have to sleep well so that you can get up again the next day and do it all over again. Staying up all night worrying and fretting will get you nowhere. Put on relaxing music and try and get a decent night’s rest.
4. Find positive distractions. If a crisis is more long term, try to find some time to focus on yourself and find positive, productive distractions that help you embrace the good in your life. Although we would do anything to protect and help our loved one, sometimes it’s just not possible, and we have to live with terrible circumstances. So, in these scenarios, as a parent or family member, we need to help ourselves with positive outlets and distractions.
Sleep is essential for our well being! Be sure to make this a priority during a crisis so that you can get up and effectively do it all over again tomorrow.
5. Prioritize self-care. In order to help and be there for anyone that you love, you have to help yourself first. Self care is most certainly not selfish. It’s a way to survive, especially in a crisis! As the steward tells you in an airplane, if the plane is to crash, put on your own oxygen mask before you put one on your child. Your child will not make if if their caregiver can’t make it. So, take care of you! As far as self-care goes, getting a good night’s rest is number one. Exercise is important to help to release endorphins and relieve stress. Movement is medicine - get outside and walk. But, if you don’t like to walk there are many other ways to move (dance, swim, bike, hike, yoga etc). Self care might also include journaling, paining, quilting, reading or other hobbies as well. Do whatever you need to do to take care of your own mind and body.
6. Communicate openly with your spouse, partner, family members. If you are married or have a partner, a crisis can really add stress on that relationship. So, communication is key to help you both work together and help your child as best you can. No two people will react the same way during a crisis so respecting how each handles a crisis is also important. Communicate openly together, support one another, understand that they are grieving just like you are, and find small moments to connect while life has thrown you a giant curveball. This is no small task and takes a lot of effort from both partners. A crisis can drive a wedge into a relationship, but it can also bring two people closer together.
7. Practice self compassion. First of all, it’s not your fault!! If your child is in trouble with the law because of their addiction issue, you are not in control of your child’s decisions. Or, if your loved one will not get out of bed because they are depressed, that is not your fault either. You can not control that your loved one is depressed. Our brain might keep asking ourselves what if I did this, or did that, perhaps this crisis would not have occurred. This is just beating yourself up and simply not helpful. Treat yourself with the same compassion and understanding that you would offer to someone you loved.
8. Find your support system and keep them close. Lean on your friends and family members who want to be there for you. Allow them to help you. Allow them to bring you meals. Allow them to shower you with kindness. You need it!! Also, find a support group where you can discussed shared lived experiences. This helps to know that you are not alone. If you can, find a therapist as well who gets it and can empathize and help you navigate life amidst the chaos. Finding your safe support system can be a game changer.
Prioritize self-care. Self-care is not selfish. You have to be able to show up for yourself first so that you can then show up for your loved one to the best of your ability.
Navigating a crisis with your child or loved one is undeniably challenging, but if you stay calm, focused and compassionate and try to embrace the tips above, you can effectively guide both yourself and your loved one through these turbulent times. It will be unbelievably difficult, but trust in your ability to handle these challenging times, and know that your presence and support are invaluable to your child and loved one’s well-being. Furthermore, when you prioritize self care, practice self compassion, lean on your tribe, and try and find positive distractions, this will help you survive from day to day amidst the chaos.
Stay tuned for my next blog, “Finding Growth After a Crisis: Turning Challenges into Opportunities.”
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Little by little we travel far!